The Purpose of Anxiety
Teens are developmentally looking for a sense of belonging; at the same time, they are drastically changing and redefining their identities. They want to fit in but need to know who they are. The need for belonging pairs with an ego-centric time when they think a lot about themselves, so they assume other people are as well. If I think back to my middle and high school years, I can sometimes remember feeling nervous about social interactions.
Another impact is the COVID pandemic. Children were growing up in a time of fear, no matter how we may have tried to buffer them from the intensity of the disruption and danger. For many kids, quarantining impacted their social development. They became out of practice in social situations. Some stopped attending school, doing extracurricular activities, and hanging out with friends. As these children become teens, re-entering social life may have shown them their social skills needed to be more robust.
How to Best Support
Whether or not our teen has been formally diagnosed with anxiety or not, we can help them by validating their feelings. “Validation creates a powerful connection and provides motivation and hope", writes Carol Landau, Ph.D for Grown and Flown.
My first response is to want to nudge my children toward what I think is a better choice. Sometimes, I need to pause and remind myself to empathize first. I can assure them that their feelings are a typical response to what is going on in their lives
“I get why you feel stressed – I would feel the same way if two of my friends were arguing with each other!"
or empathize with their feelings
“ Sounds like you’ve had a rough day. Can I make you a cup of tea?”.
We want to be careful not to encourage avoidance of anxiety-producing situations. We like to help our kids feel capable of navigating life, not create a bubble for them. Instead, we suggest breaking down a challenge into smaller, more manageable tasks.
Deep breathing and meditation can be powerful practices for some people navigating anxiety. If your teen is receptive, you can practice together they might try a strategy called “Name it to Tame it", explained by Dr. Dan Siegel, is another long-term tool we can use with our teens. They can internalize this idea and calm themselves on their own with practice.
When Anxiety Can Be a Good Thing
As I used to teach my young students, feelings are feelings. There are no “good” or “bad” feelings. Some feelings may be more challenging or intense than others, but they all offer us information. Anxiety is letting us know that something requires our attention. As Dr. Lisa Damour writes for the New York Times, “The intensity of your nerves should match the scale of the problem before you. Feeling tense before a big game is appropriate and may even improve your performance." Feeling anxious before a big test may prompt a teen to study extra. Anxiety or nervousness is an appropriate response to an appropriate feeling. We can also see our children’s challenging feelings as opportunities for them to learn coping skills. No one’s life is stress-free. We can expect anxious feelings. Michelle Icard inspires us to be “gardeners” for our kids and reminds us there is power when kids experience challenges. Taking deep breaths, confronting our manageable fears, and using our feelings as information – not as decision-makers are all important lessons for our children to gain.
When to Reach Out for Help
If your teen is avoiding situations they would typically enjoy, struggling to attend school, or maintaining their usual academic standing, it may be time to contact a school counselor or therapist. If your child is feeling anxious without reason, this may also be cause for concern. Pediatricians and primary care physicians can offer referrals to behavioral therapy as well. Of course, if you have concerns about self-harm or suicide, please seek immediate care (your local ER, call 988, or text 678-678 for LGBTQIA2S+ support with The Trevor Project.
Links
Grown and Flown https://grownandflown.com/professor-psychiatry-advice-for-parents-help-teens-social-anxiety-disorder/
Deep Breathing https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/proper-breathing-brings-better-health/
Practice together https://jennifershannon.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/02_Thegoldenball_0.mp3
Calm App: https://www.calm.com/
Dr. Lisa Damour: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/25/well/family/teen-anxiety-myths.html?searchResultPosition
https://shapeamerica.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02701367.2003.10609113#.YFMWQrRKjNY
Michelle Icard: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C2z2ZKeunTa/?igsh=MTNlNG94eXMxMGJheQ==>
The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
